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.....these are a few collected stuff...that are just funnhaaaaay!! ENJOY! Not by me...there is a link to each...if you want to find other things by your own

feeel free to comment waaaaaay down there! 

lol this was posted by Ben in FFTW...and i laughed my heads off XD

Demons are funny things. Well not so much "funny." More like terrifying. They can either be a simple angry spirit that hurls kitchen knives at you, or they can take the physical shape of some multi-tenticled hell spawn with six mouths and a mind that telepathically screams words and images capable of plunging you into a nightmare realm of torture. But whatever your class of demonic possession, this handy FAQ will help you deal with it.

Let's get started!

I have awoken to a horrible sound coming from my living room.

You should probably go and investigate to see what is going on. Considering this is a booklet on demons, coming face-to-face with one is a startlingly possible scenario.

There seems to be some kind of...goat...in my living room, eating my throw pillows.

If it is simply a goat, consider calling animal control. Or simply shoo it out of your house and into the street where someone else will deal with it. I'm sure someone is looking for their goat.

It has six legs and a tail made purely of bone. I doubt this is a regular goat.

Then it is probably a demon. I fucking told you so. A goat is commonly associated with hell and demonic imagery. Booyah.

Should I still try to remove it myself?

Probably not. You have no idea what kind of powers this particular demon possesses. For all you know it's a soul-eater.

A what?

A soul-eater. You know, feast on your immortal, holy vessel? If it manages to devour your soul, you'll know nothing but suffering for all of eternity.

I'm kinda scared.

Odds are it isn't a soul-eater. That is reserved for a higher class of demon. Usually something that looks more...demony.

I still don't know what to do about the goat-thing.

Has it noticed you yet? If it hasn't, try to get it's attention. If you are lucky, it's simply lost on our mortal plane, and will run back the festering womb from which it was spawned.

I hit it in the head with a coffee table book. It looks pissed.

Which coffee table book did you hit it with?

Seasons by Frans Heidrich.

Fuck, that book sucks. No wonder you only managed to make it angry.

I fail to see what my choice of book has to do with anything.

Look, just don't sweat it. You have a couple of options here. On the one hand, you can try and fight it. If you are a particularly religious sort...

I'm not.

Then you might want to consider the other option of...

The goat has torn one of my kidneys out, and is eating it.

This means you have encountered a Gnuth T'kour. This is a special class of demon with a particular fondness for human organs. They are usually employed by Satan to eat the innards of the worst sinners. These organs grow back with each passing day, so the sinners are forced to have their own intestines eaten in front of them until the end of time. Legend has it that...

The goat has removed a large portion of my small intestine.

He's already onto your gut? Man, you are fu...

The goat is devouring my liver.

Your last hope is to carve a pentagram on your chest and accept Satan as your lord and master. This might sway the Lord of Darkness into giving you a less demeaning eternity in hell. Like scooping up the fetid shit of the crucified, or waxing his evil Mercedes.

Satan drives a Mercedes?

Yes, yes he does.

I think I'm dead.

You can't be dead if you are asking questions.

...
 Now you are dead.

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LINK:  http://www.papertank.com/article/FAQ_So_you_have_a_demon 

This needs some minor revision = I never actually got around to reading this.

My office hours are by appointment only = I like to get out of here early.

Ten percent of your grade is based on class participation. = I'll be fudging your grades.

This won't be on the test. = Nap time!

Bring the text to class. = I don't have a clue how to lecture - we'll just kill time with group read-alongs.

I'm not fully up to speed on that. = I've got my head up my ass.

I don't have the latest department guidelines... = I've got my head up my ass.

Let's check with Dr. So-and-so on that before we proceed... = I've got my head up his/her ass.

Talk to the department secretary. = Piss off.

Talk to me in my office after class. = Get out of my face.

The tests will all be multiple-choice. = I take questions directly from the study guide, and have grad students do all my grading.

Don't come in late during my lecture. = I have the attention span of a fruit fly.

Save your questions until the end. = See above.

The final will be comprehensive. = I'll expect you to recapitulate in two hours everything I couldn't fully cover myself in 15 weeks.

Everyone will prepare in-class oral presentations. = This course is outside my specialty - I'll just bluff it and let you teach.

There are two TAs available to help you. = I can't be bothered.

This year, I'll be scaling the grades. = I just passed tenure review.

Let's break up into quiet discussion groups. = I have a hangover.

Let's have class outdoors today! = I had beans for lunch.

You won't be able to sell the text back to the bookstore. = My contract wasn't picked up.

Please note the last day to withdraw. = The midterm's gonna suck.

The answer to #4 is "b", and just skip #17. = I only got around to making up the test last night.

The second list is optional reading. = I have a rich fantasy life.

I haven't had a chance to make up the syllabus for this course yet= The asshole department chair stuck me with teaching this course at the last possible minute.

Well, it was on the syllabus. = I'll hold you responsible for this, even though I forgot about it myself.

We'll just skip the term paper this semester. = There wasn't enough money in the budget for a TA.

Bring a #2 pencil to the exam. = See above.

Attendance is required and will be counted in your grade. = I'm so boring, no one would show up otherwise..

Read chapters 5 through 10. = I'm not coming in at all next week.

We'll have to cover this chapter quickly. = I screwed up on the lecture schedule.

Let's go over the exam. = Half of you failed.

It was in the textbook. = I pulled it out of my ass.

Extra credit is available. = I need some scut-work done.

I'm postponing today's exam. = There's stuff on the exam I forgot to cover.

Don't write on the question sheet. = I'm so lazy I just use the same exams every semester

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my dick when I ask where the toilet is?


2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually.


3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".?Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?


4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!


5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.


6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?


7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.


8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?


9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

Dear Husband:

I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you for good. I’ve been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw for me. Last week, you came home and didn’t notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don’t tell me you love me anymore, you don’t touch me or anything. Either you’re cheating or you don’t love me anymore, whatever the case is, I’m gone.

P.S. If you’re trying to find me, don’t. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Signed,
Your EX-Wife

______________________________________________________________________

Dear Ex-Wife:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn’t work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was “You look just like a man!”. My mother raised me to not say anything if you can’t say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lottery for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born Carla. I hope that’s not a problem.

Signed,
Rich As Hell and Free

1. Yes = No

2. No = Yes

3. Maybe = No

4. We need = I want

5. I am sorry = you’ll be sorry

6. We need to talk = I need to complain

7. Sure, go ahead = I don’t want you to

8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later

9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!

10. Are you listening to me? = Too late, you’re dead

11. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

12. Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

13. You’re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

14. Do you love me? = I am going to ask for something expensive

15. It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

16. You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

17. I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

18. How much do you love me? = I did something today that you’re really not going to like 

19. FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up……………. Never use “fine” to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.


20. FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it’s an even trade.

21. NOTHING
This means “something,” and you should be on your toes. “Nothing” is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. “Nothing” usually signifies an argument that will last “Five Minutes” and end with “Fine"

22. GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows! )
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over “Nothing” and will end with the word “Fine”

23. GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means “I give up” or “do what you want because I don’t care” You will get a “Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead” in just a few minutes, followed by “Nothing” and “Fine” and she will talk to you in about “Five Minutes” when she cools off.

24. LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over “Nothing.Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the “Loud Sigh,” as she will only tell you “Nothing”

25. SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. “Soft Sighs” mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

26. THAT’S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. “That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. “That’s Okay” is often used with the word “Fine” and in conjunction with a “Raised Eyebrow.”

27. GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

28. PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn’t get a “That’s Okay”

29. THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not! faint. Just say you’re welcome.

30. THANKS A LOT
This is much different from “Thanks.” A woman will say, “Thanks A Lot” when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the “Loud Sigh.”

All of this is actually very true


1. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

2. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

3. It’s easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

4. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

5. You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war - unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

6. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

7. When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

8. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

9. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.

10. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.

11. If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven’t been carrying any before now.

12. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

13. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat them.

14. The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

15. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

16. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.

17.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

18. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

19. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

20. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

21. Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

22. No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

23. When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

24. An electric fence powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.

25. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

26. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

27. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

28. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

29. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.

30. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.

31. Kitchens don’t have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

32. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of Wembley Stadium.

33. Male human beings almost never undress to have sex, or if they finally do it, they are samples of the species with no visible genitals.

34. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

35. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

36. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

37. Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.

38. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

39. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one loaf of French Bread.

40. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick’s Day parade - at any time of the year.

41. If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor’s first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.

42. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

43. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.